Taking things a day at a time

Sunday, May 10, 2009

I think I lost love

As shitty as that sounds, I think it's true. Especially with everything that's been going on recently. But to be honest, I lost love in the third grade. I was 8-years-old.

Today is Mother's Day. ...whoo-hoo? I said happy mother's day to my mom this morning. I don't think I meant it though. And she said, "Oh yeah? ...Thanks." Then she walked away.

Coming from a broken home is such a stereotype. It's generic and makes me such a statistic, which I hate. And god, it's such a cop out. I hate blaming the fact that my parents got divorced, my dad was an absent-father while I was growing up, my mom was a violent psychopath, and my grandparents - the only two people I felt safe with - died before I graduated from elementary school. And then dealing with Mika, shutting herself up and not letting anyone in and never being the older sibling I needed didn't help. Neither did my mom, when she'd sneak around, talking with Steven on the phone, excusing herself when we were out at dinner when she'd get a call from him. I fucking hate that bastard. He ruined everything even more.

I'm not sure when the last time I said "I love you" to either one of my parents and really meant it. I don't exactly count September 18, 2008. That was the day that Linfield had Sumner's service at school. I was very emotional that day, so I called both my mom and dad to tell them I "loved" them. I think I did that because of the events of that day. If it was any other day, I sure as hell wouldn't have called them. And Mika? Shit. I was probably like, 6-years-old when I said I loved her last.

See? I can't even say "I love you" to my own fucking family. How fucked up is that?!

And during the past few months when things have been so ridiculously shitty with me and my family, I really needed my friends to be there for me. I needed them there to talk to, but fuck. FUCK. I couldn't even have that! No one had time for me. And that pissed me off so much because i was always, ALWAYS there for them.

I have nothing to use as an outlet for all this going on. I can't focus on work, I have no job. I can't put my energy into school, school is done! There is no script for a show for me to go crazy over and spend every minute memorizing. I can't escape and just take off for the beach to be by myself. I have no one to call to just sit with for a few hours, just to be around that person.

I just really want all of this to stop. I want things to get better. I want to be better.

BETTER.

1 Comments:

Blogger J. Cordelia said...

Stereotypes upset me too. I hate feeling like the statistic. That's pretty shitty about your family. I wish there was something I could do, some advice I could give. I guess it's all about not allowing them to affect how you deal with your other personal relationships. It's hard, but worth working on. I know we can't chill on the beach together, but you can vent to me if you want. I've been horrible at sending letters but if you ever just want to write me one anyway, I always read them :)

May 10, 2009 at 8:57 PM  

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