Taking things a day at a time

Sunday, January 3, 2010

One step forward

Well. My last blog of 2009 wasn't all that inspiring as far as the future and what lies ahead of me. With a few days of the new year behind, people are finally going back to normal, fading out on all the cheesy "It's going to be MY year!" crap. They're slipping back into reality, finally. If I had to see/read/hear one more thing about how 2010 was going to be the year that they did all their resolutions, I would've snapped.

I'm seriously in like with whoever writes Obama's speeches. They know how to inspire. So with Obama in mind, CHANGE will be my life slogan from now on. I will try my damnedest to see that through.

Starting with some (and by some I mean basically all except one) changes to my weekly themes. They will now be:

+Sing Me A Song Sunday
+Memory Lane Monday
+Talk To Me Tuesday
+Watch This Wednesday
+Triumphant Thursday
+First Time Friday
+Slang Saturday

I'll go into detail for each of the first blog's for the specific theme when I get there. But seeing as today is Sunday, and I kept the same theme, no introduction is necessary.

Sing Me A Song Sunday
"Beautiful" by India Arie
First introduced to this song my first year in dance. This was the senior number, which is really fitting. It's a super cool song about just being able to move on and grow up. I don't even know how to describe her music. It's just really...melodic. And relaxing, the kind of song where you just close your eyes and get caught up in the sound. Obviously it's time that I seriously make changes in my life and do something about the position I'm in. I need to move on with my life. Seriously. Here are the lyrics:

The time is right
I'm gonna pack my bags
And take that journey down the road
Cause over the mountain I see the bright sun shining
And I want to live inside the glow
Yeah

I wanna go to a place where I am nothing and everything
That exists between here and nowhere
I wanna go to a place where time has no consequences oh yeah
The sky opens to my prayers

I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,
I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,
I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,
I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,

Please understand
That its not that I don't care
But right now these walls are closing in on me
I love you more than I love life itself
But I need to find a place were I can breathe
I can breathe

I wanna go to a place where I can hold the intangible
And let go of the pain with all my might
I wanna go to a place where I'm suspended on ecstasy
Somewhere between dark and light
Where wrong becomes right

I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,
I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,
I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,
I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful

Mmmmmmm... beautiful...

The first song that I listened to of the year was "This Year" by The Mountain Goats. Bailey actually made 2 cds for me when I was leaving Linfield, and that was one of the songs that he put on the cd. It's a great song, simply for its title. I've decided that's one of the songs I will listen to everyday, in addition to the other songs on my list:
+"Just So You Know" by Jesse McCartney
+Body Language" by Jesse McCartney
+"You And I Both Know" by Jason Mraz
+"I'll Be" by Edwin McCain

I've been thinking about money and finances a lot lately, for obvious reasons. Even more so within the last 36 hours because of the news my dad had to tell Mika and me when we saw him yesterday. He lost his court hearing against the Post Office for forcing him into early retirement, which means he won't get any compensation for them being dicks and assholes to him for the past 19 years. It sucks majorly and I can't do anything except REALLY TRY to find a better job, with better people, a better environment, and more offered hours. That way I can cover more of the phone bill than my dad, and still be able to take care of my Linfield loan, the Perkins loan, bills and rent. ...Yeah. Everything is fucked up, and my mother and her husband don't make things any easier.

I suppose having a college degree makes things slightly easier to find a higher paying job, right? Well, that's so unfortunate for people like me that don't even have money for school. Ha. The whole fucking world and every obstacle in it is a stupid vicious cycle. The world is a comedy.

But I digress. For now.

From today's PostSecret:



YES! This would be me, Kristine, and Stacey...if we all found other jobs so we could quit at Cookie Corner.



I think the feeling of rejection sucks. It's everywhere, in lots of things I wanna do.

Song of the day: "Somebody" by Slightly Stoopid

Oh. So I haven't talked to TC in almost a week. Last week I basically told him to fuck off. I kinda don't feel sorry about it, because it was a lot of pent up anger about him always bailing on me and refusing to do things when someone with a car isn't able to go and and drive his ass around. That's really what it was all about. He's blown me off so many times since the summer, I lost track. And he's given so many excuses about not wanting to go do something if Ginger or Misty can't go, because they're the ones that drive and would go pick him up. So on Wednesday when shit hit the fan with my mother and I wanted to go see the movie we were suppose to see a couple weeks ago, I asked TC if he was FINALLY ready to go watch it. But he said no, because Ginger and Misty couldn't go so they wouldn't be able to drive him. So I was pissed and didn't give a shit about it anymore.

I'm quite done with friends that are only my friends when it's convenient for them. I think I'm a pretty fucking great friend; maybe not physically, since I don't live by most of my friends and it's been difficult to find my way to places. And since I'm an ocean away from you guys. But I've always been that friend that listened to what everyone else has to say. I try to be positive for my friends, even when I'm not positive for myself. I keep my real problems to myself, because I know no one really wants to know about all the real life bullshit I have to go through, because nothing more than an "Oh my god, I'm so sorry" would be said. Plus I know everyone has their own things they're going through. Maybe I'm selfish in that way? Keeping my problems my problems and not involving anyone in them.

No. Actually, no, that's not it at all. Honestly, it's because I feel some of my problems (not all of them, but definitely a handful) are a lot more serious than things my friends whine about. And I'm not saying this about you guys, I'm saying this about all my friends: some from Kamehameha, from Linfield, my friends from KDC, drama friends, a whole bunch of everyone. And it's really frustrating because to bring it up makes people angry and offends them. But I mean, it's my opinion of how our troubles compare in severity. And some of these people always complain about things that are so...trivial. So high school. So....ah. Nevermind.

I'll shut up now.

5 Comments:

Blogger Alessa said...

Zaida, First I want to say, I love the new themes. I am very excited to read them. I am excited about First Time Friday.

I love that you have certain songs you listen to everyday, I think that's really cool. I have kinda been that way with Defying Gravity... I want to channel the confidence and energy of the song.

I hope you do find a new job. I think the way you are treated there is a bunch of crap. Sucks about your financial situation. That is tough.

I like those postsecrets. Those are good ones. I have always wanted to do postsecret but, I have never got around to it.

My mom would call your friend a "fair weather" friend. Seems like everyone has got one.. or a few. And you shouldn't be sorry for telling him for fuck off. I think you were right in your justification. That's really not cool.

Good luck with everything Z. Thanks for texting the other day. It was good to hear from you even though it wasn't for very long.

January 3, 2010 at 5:06 PM  
Blogger Sidan Archion said...

I know your going to hate me for saying this, but you just need to begrudge your way through this time in your life. People can be dicks and a-holes but you have to stay strong to keep yourself a float. I know it doesn't make you feel better, but it is how your going to make it through this to hopefully more happier times.

I am sorry about your jackass Zac Efron looking friend. He sounds like he deserves a kick in the arse. I also apologize if I have ever done something like that you. I didn't do intentionally, I'm just spacey.

I still think that the best week this year was when you were here. Miss your face!

January 4, 2010 at 11:11 AM  
Blogger Bryan said...

Zaida, you are a good friend. You shouldn't have to put up with other people's bullshit all the time. I know what you mean, about thinking that other people's problems are not important. I've definitely been through periods in my life where i felt like that. it's okay to feel like that.

I forgot what else i was going to tell you, because i'm listening to some asshole co-workers flapping their gums like two fucking dumb shits.

But, yeah. i am going to punch someone in the face, and he really does not need that ugly leathery meth-mess fucked up any more!

that is all i will say haha...how dare he ruin what i'm writing to you!

January 5, 2010 at 8:32 PM  
Blogger J. Cordelia said...

Yeah, I posted something like, "I'm excited for this year." But I've been saying that since last year, because I knew I'd be done with school, haha. I've never understood all of the, "this is my year" and "New year, new beginnings." I don't want to burst anyone's bubble, but everything that was weighing you down on and before December 31st, will follow you straight into January 1st. It's stupid for people to think that shit just disappears. I know this sounds glass-half-empty, but I look at it as realism. I wanted to post something like that on Facebook when I saw all of those status updates, but I didn't feel like dealing with the comments I'd get.

I AGREE, Obama's speech writer is boss. And change is a great slogan. Obama haters think the word doesn't mean anything, but I like that word. Because it doesn't require anything drastic or immediate. Change can be tiny, or huge. It can happen fast, or gradually. And it's completely up to you. Making changes vs making resolutions...I'm all about that.

I absolutely LOVE "I'll Be", it reminds me of H.S. And it's just a great song.

All the stuff that happened with your dad is shit. I'm really sorry. I hope something happens for you soon. You deserve something wonderful; you put up with a hell of a lot. But, Steven is right, keep on fighting through the tough times to get to the good. It'll happen for you.

It's really hard to be around people who haven't had anything hard happen in their life, or at least not as hard as your hard. To them hard is the hw they got assigned, or a small fight with a boyfriend. A lot of people can't understand unless they've been there, you know? It's easy for people to be sympathetic for a moment and move on, but it's hard to find someone to be empathetic if they've never been there.

I think you're an awesome friend, don't ever forget it!

January 9, 2010 at 12:18 AM  
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