Taking things a day at a time

Sunday, November 1, 2009


Song of the day: "Sliver" by Nirvana

This is blog entry 69. Hehe. Reminds me of that part from Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure, when the past Bill and Ted ask the future Bill and Ted what their favorite number was. :] Good movie.

So I had a lot of good stuff to write about today. Last night was Halloween and although I didn't do much, I still have fun with TC over. Also, I was going to talk about how rad This Is It was, and how after watching it I missed dancing a whole lot. It's like I got re-inspired to take up dancing.

But instead, my mother killed all the happy and good feelings I had today. She seems to be rather talented at that.

She's telling me I can't go to to Linfield anymore because I need to stay home and help out with the car. I don't know what the fuck she's thinking, as if I can magically make hundreds and thousands of dollars appear in front of me. I don't know if she realizes that I can't get any money back for the ticket that I bought. So if she was expecting me to hand that over to her, she's wrong. Even if I could I still wouldn't.

She said I was selfish for going on an unnecessary trip for myself, of course she would know all about being selfish.

I'm tired of her. I'm tired of feeling trapped being here. I fucking can't stand it.

And I know it's getting real bad when I just think of this, and think of all the shit my mom says about me and the things she expects me to do for her, and then I just want to cry. I mean, I don't even need to get super pissed off and rage to cry anymore. And that's fucking messed up.

God, it's just... Fuck. And even writing about it is getting ridiculous. There isn't anything I haven't already said about this.


Sing Me A Song Sunday:
"I'll Be There" by The Jackson 5
This song was in This Is It, and it is one of my favorite J5 songs. Especially after talking with TC last night/this morning about our friends from high school, and relationships (or in my case, lack thereof) I listened to this song four times today. And since I've been home, this whole year, dealing with my mother, I've wished I had friends that...were there. For me. I really haven't spent much time with friends that are home, not more than 2 or 3, really. Everyone else is always too busy to even take a phone call from me. And to be honest, a lot of my "friends" from Linfield have...not necessarily forgotten about me (or at least I hope not) but just...don't feel compelled to keep in contact with me. And it was even more of an arrow to the heart with Jamika told me how many people actually helped me out with my plane ticket. I thought, well I thought differently than what really is. But that's me and my wishful thinking when it comes to friendships I've had...

God. I'm turning this into a fucking pity party for me. Ugh, what is wrong with me?!

...I hate feeling...forgotten. Or, not-thought-about. Not cared about, really. People say it, though, you know? But they don't show it. That's what wrong with me.


Blogger J. Cordelia said...

Haha 69...gross. I made a joke about 69 in Keesey's class. All she said was, "Oh, Jamika" and shook her head at me, lol.

I'm glad you had a good Halloween. I want to see This Is It--I've heard good and bad things about it...but I like to decide things for myself usually.

I'm sorry about the situation with your mom. It really does suck. I wish I could just keep you here with us (we could hitchhike down to Cali if you want...think about it). You deserve to be where you're happy.

Also, you're not selfish for coming up here, I hope you know that. You're doing something for yourself, yes, but there's nothing wrong with that.

Also, two more people gave money--Sunderland and Brenna--so, there's a little more added to the pot :)

I miss you and I think about you often, and I know others do, too. It is hard when people don't show it, because sometimes you just need something solid to go on. Hopefully you'll be in be in better spirits after you get here and see how much we miss you!

November 2, 2009 at 5:36 PM  
Blogger J. Cordelia said...

Also, I like how the numbers 6 and 9 look together. 69...almost snakelike.

November 2, 2009 at 5:36 PM  
Blogger Alessa said...

I also think about you and miss you a lot. Steven, Jamika and I talk about you a lot. Our year is really lame with out you. And I agree with Jamika, once you come here... you will see how much we miss you. And if you even think I don't miss you, I want you too look at the dorky picture frame I made you and think "Wow, Alessa is weird, but at least she is my friend" that's right... that's right. Also! I need to know what time to come pick you up and what day for sure... I am bring Jamika and Steven... no matter how much Matt bitches and moans about him not going. I will throw him out of the car... I can NOT spend that much time with him... especially in a confined space. Also, can't wait to drink out of the beatles mug you bought me... I will drink out of it all the time and think of you! <3

November 3, 2009 at 11:04 AM  
Blogger Alessa said...

P.S. I giggled at 69!

November 3, 2009 at 11:04 AM  

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