Taking things a day at a time

Saturday, August 22, 2009

"Somebody take the pain away..."

"It's like an ulcer bleeding in my brain." -Green Day, "Restless Heart Syndrome"

Today I took a couple hundred bucks (which was basically all of the money from my paychecks thus far) out of my "new laptop" fund.

Today I spent those couple hundred bucks on textbooks for both me and Mika.

Today I spent close to fifty bucks on new pairs of pants I needed for work.

Today I was pissed to find out that my mom had cleaned out my bank account, using the money for...hell if I know. She never tells me when she takes money out. Never. So I was gobsmacked when I found out I have ZERO DOLLARS in my account.

But today, I was happy for ninety-two minutes while I sat through X Games 3D: The Movie. I was so fucking stoked to be watching it. There was only me, Mika, and this one boy who was in the movie theatre. It was great, having the whole place (practically) to myself. And the movie documentary was good. I'm planning on buying it, of course.

Then today, when I got home from the movie, my mom had to bring up the money situation. Again. All I wanted to do was bask in the aftermath of seeing the X Games movie, take a bath, eat some dinner, and get to bed early. But of course, like always, she had to completely spoil my good mood by bringing up money and HER child support money.
Yes, HER money. Because according to my mom my dad never should've given me the money since it should be going toward helping her pay for the bills and food and expenses and blah blah blah. Even when I was in Oregon, my mom still said it should've been given to her. Apparently I got "too comfortable receiving the child support money while I was at Linfield." But heaven forbid my mom work for her own money! No, she just takes everyone else's.

You know what? I don't even wanna fucking go into it. I'm just. I'm. beyond tired of this bullshit with my mom. But I can't do a fucking thing about it. I'm not working full time, I have money to live on my own, I have nowhere else to go. I can't even go driving off somewhere. Like I said before, it's like I'm trapped someplace. And even if I go walking up to the park for a few hours (which I've done several times after we get in a fight about money and my living situation) she flips a bitch about how I just leave and storm off, and if I wanna be by myself so much then I should just find my own place to live! She bitches at me as if she's never done anything like that before. FUCK. My mom ran away from home so many fucking times, spending nights sleeping at the beach or where the fuck ever. She's such an ass.

But you know what the fucked up thing is? I went to take a bath, and I look at myself in the mirror. Then i start to cry. Just like that! Yeah, I was already pissed and my mom went through her usual routine of bringing things up that usually make me cry. But this time I was crying more so because no matter what, I'm always going to look like my mom. I have her face and I fucking hate it.

God. All I wanted to do was go watch clips of the movie again on the X Games Facebook page. Fuck this shit, man. Fuck this.


Blogger J. Cordelia said...

Zaida, I'm sorry. This sounds like such a crappy situation (I'm sure you don't need me telling you that, though). I wish there was something I could do to help you out (is there?). Hopefully something changes for you soon, really. I'm here for ya.

August 22, 2009 at 10:06 PM  
Blogger Alessa said...

I second Jamika's comment. I am sorry. And I know that doesn't make the situation better... but if you ever need us... we are here. I am not sure what we could do but the offer is definitely there.

I also agree... I hope things change. And I am here for you too.

Also, good luck with school and everything. I hope school is better this year. Miss ya buddy.

Oh, on the lighter side... You would crack up if you saw how sunburned I am. I am bright red and have a lovely WHITE bathing suit line. Very funny. It's such a crazy contrast. :)

August 23, 2009 at 4:35 PM  
Blogger Sidan Archion said...

Murgh! I hate stupid people... Hope you will make it out okay. I root for Team Zaida.

True Blood: Yeah, it's sex filled, but it has a pretty awesome plot. Not really Twilight like, but on that bandwagon. I get online... Ryan Kwanten is always running around naked. Quite wondrous, but I know it's not your cup of tea.

August 24, 2009 at 7:05 PM  

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