Taking things a day at a time

Saturday, February 20, 2010

I'm: not obnoxious enough, but too fat

Loud + obnoxious + Zaida's witty comments = well-liked and fun.

Apparently that's the equation of being someone that lots of people like and laugh with. It shouldn't be a surprise, really, since it's always been this way: I am the witty friend with great one-liners and snide comments, but it's always my friends who take my words, say it louder, and gets the credit and laughs. Because I'm a naturally quiet person, for the most part, I don't fall into the "loud and obnoxious" category in groups of friends. I'm way more reserved than a lot of my friends, and because of that I get looked past and unnoticed. I don't call attention to myself, not in class or when I'm out with friends. I'm just...not like that.

I bring this up because this whole week at rehearsals, I've been feeling so left out of the group, ignored and just pushed aside. Majority of them are so loud and attention whores, including my friends that I knew before doing this show. Especially them. And of course it is those friends of mine that hear me say something funny (because I am fuckin hilarious!) but take it and say it really loud and then everyone laughs when they say it. How annoying is that?! I know I sound really childish, going off about this, but seriously, I am a shitload more funny than a lot of my friends. I'm witty, and use smart humor; the extent of their humor would be "That's what she said" jokes and sexual puns. Wow. Creative, right? -_-

My good friend Kuni hasn't been here this week because she's had to do other things, so I really was alone at rehearsals for this week. But at least she'll be there today.

And being sick this whole week has sucked balls. I missed 2 days of school and work yesterday. I've been coughing, still blowing my nose every 2 minutes, and my throat is ridiculous sore and scratchy. But I've been going to rehearsals because we've been learning new things all week. I still feel miserable. Plus, being out late at night doesn't exactly help my cold.

OH! And last night I felt like the fat girl that everyone feels sorry for. Fuck.

So there's this song, "On The Sea" where there's a dance break in the middle, and there's partner (boy-girl) section and I was one of the girls that got chosen to do it. I got the dancing part and all that, but then our choreographer, Deidre, tells us that the girls are going to have to do a cartwheel off of the boys. Let me try to explain: instead of doing a normal cartwheel, with our hands on the ground, we have to grab the boys thighs, while they wrap their arms around our stomachs to help us fan our legs over. That make sense?

When she told us this, I knew I wouldn't be able to do it. First and foremost, because she partnered me with the skinniest Asian guy in our whole cast! He has no strength whatsoever, plus I just met him last night because he'd never been to our rehearsals before that, so I don't know him at all. Talk about awkward. So there's the mixture of him lacking much strength and being uncomfortable with him. And of course, I'm one of the biggest girl's in our whole cast. I could break my partner. So OF COURSE he couldn't lift me! God, as if they expected anything different.

We went out on the grass to practice and he dropped me twice. Because he's not strong enough and I'm big. Duh. So when Deidre came out to see each couple do it, I told her we couldn't but she still wanted to see. And like I said, we couldn't do it. So she went in and asked this other girl if she could do it with my partner, and he lifted her, no problem. Because she's a 13-year-old skinny little girl!

What I hated most was when Deidre went to the other adults and assistant choreographer and they were whispering about me. I knew exactly what they were saying, and everyone (including the other cast members) were all giving me that sympathy look. That, "I feel bad for her, because Kurt can't lift her, she just too heavy" look. Deidre even came up to ask me if I still wanted to do it, or if I wanted someone else to do that section. Well fuck. OF COURSE I want to do it! It's my only time to be featured in this whole fucking show! But obviously I'm too FAT to be lifted and you'd rather have some skinny twig take my place. Then she just said for me to work on it and keep practicing, that eventually we'll get it.

I wonder if she knew how embarrassed and humiliated I felt during that whole time. I mean, shit, I had to go outside to pretend to fill up my water bottle because I started crying! Again, I felt like the fucking fat loser and people just felt sorry for me.

It didn't help that all my friends there were skinny bitches that had nothing helpful or comforting to say. In fact, some of the things they said were offensive, like they didn't think before they opened their mouths. Shit. And I have to go back today for rehearsal and go through this all over again. Wonderful. As if my self-esteem wasn't low enough.

Obviously I'm in no mood to do a theme, or even bother to put up the song of the day. I'm in no mood at all.

Oh, and happy 100th blog post. Yay me. -_- Such positive and happy blog topics, wouldn't you say?


Blogger Kristina said...

if it helps, last i checked there were a whole bunch of unstolen zaida-isms going around Linfield.
...the theatre part. I didn't really get out much, but sure there's some floating around in other departments

and can definatly relate. I don't really shut up if you know me, but say nothing if you don't. If I do, people look at me funny and say they didn't hear.
so I have to use my outside voice. it hurts the throat.:)..or maybe :/

but credit stealing joke whores are the worst.

alas, the theatre is the happy land of divas (but steven and alessa rock my socks!!!!) Everyone talks because they like their voice and credit goes to those who yell the loudest.

don't forget: you are a wonderfully hilarious,beautiful, actress who is probably 10 times more content with life because you eat more than half a rice cake a day.

February 20, 2010 at 12:39 PM  
Blogger Bryan said...

yeah...i guess that's the theatre for you. loud, obnoxious people who always want to be in the spotlight. not that i don't love the theatre, but it can be really frustrating sometimes. especially for people who aren't attention whores.
i'm sorry about your rehearsal. it sounds like it really sucked. that definitely would've bothered me. you're director sounds like a dumb bitch too. it'll get better though, i'm sure.

happy 100th post!

also, i think you're perfect! :)

February 20, 2010 at 4:46 PM  
Blogger J. Cordelia said...

I hate when people do that, steal credit for jokes. I can be loud and make my jokes heard, but sometimes I'm not and only a couple people hear them. But just because you've quietly said something amusing, does't mean it's permission for someone to steal it right out from under you. People can be super lame.

Like your choreographer. I hate when people don't believe when you say you can't do something. There are times when we can't do something--meaning we aren't willing to try. And then there's the other can't when we we've tried and tried and we really can't do it.

I think if she really needed to talk to others about you, she should have done it later, when people weren't around. *Sigh* Some people just don't have any home training.

Skinny people always know just the wrong things to say when it comes to weight. It would almost be better if they just kept their mouths shut on the subject.

It sucks that weight is a topic that's constantly on everyone's minds.


Thanks for following my new blog! There were a lot of posts today, but I've been planning for the "launch" of this blog for about a week now. My secret? I've been writing posts for the past week and just saving them as drafts, so I kind of have an arsenal of posts just waiting to be published :)

I actually watched a show about step teams, called Step Off. Is that the one you're talking about? The episode I saw actually had Zeta Tau Alpha as one of the sororities competing. When I saw something that said ZTA, I had to do a double take. Because every ZTA sorority I've seen is mainly white girls. Not that white girls can't step (we had some on the team in H.S.), but it just caught me off guard. I thought maybe since they were a Southern group, they'd have a lot of diversity, but nope, it was pretty much all white girls, haha. They were good though.

It made me miss it. I wish I had had the balls to start one at Linfield. A few of my friends wanted me to my Sophomore year, but I decided not to. Lame on me.

February 22, 2010 at 11:06 PM  
Blogger J. Cordelia said...

Oh, and instead of replying to your comments on the other blog here, I just commented on Strictly For Suckers.

February 22, 2010 at 11:09 PM  

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