Twice

Twice I cried today.

The first time this morning was when I was watching the most recent episode of The Biggest Loser. This season is the first time I've watched some episodes, and they are pretty inspirational. (And if you've been getting my tweets or read my Tumblr post, I've been into the "inspirational" things as of late.) This week was the makeover week, and just seeing the transformation that these people have made is incredible. I got really emotional when they brought in the contestants family members to surprise them.

I think I started crying for several reasons. One, because it's always a tear jerker to watch when people better themselves in any kind of way, then to have friends and family see them after the change has been made. Two, I was thinking about how my sister and mom will never change the way they live. It's really depressing and it bothers me a lot that they don't care that they don't exercise, let alone just get out of the house on a regular basis. And their diets suck. Mika only snacks, and my mom doesn't even eat; which is probably why she's so big, because her metabolism is practically nonexistent. I'm almost to the point where I can't even feel anything about them and what they're doing. Three, most of the contestants say that they're on the show with the help and support from their family. And that leads me to the second time I cried today...

Mika and Steven were going to go to the grocery store over a week ago, but they'd never gone. Why? Because she sleeps half the day, and they're too lazy to just get up off their asses and go anywhere! So I wanted to go today to get fruits and veggies and whatnot, because I know it won't be bought unless I buy it. So Mika got up to go with me, and I swear...I get so pissed and annoyed with her whenever we go anywhere!

I don't know how to describe it. It's like she's just always so unnecessarily awkward when we go to places. Like if we're at a restaurant, she doesn't look the waitress in the eyes when she orders. That's rude and it fucking pisses me off. Or if I tell her to go to the cereal isle, she'll stand around and look at me like a 5-year-old that doesn't understand the words I'm saying, as if she needs ME to lead her to the fucking isle. Or she'll stand in people's way and not realize it, all the while I'm telling her to move, but she just doesn't pay attention.

After we got out of Foodland, I ACCIDENTALLY pushed the cart when she decided to stop for no reason, so the cart hit her in her back heel. And she practically falls over from that! Mika is so dramatic it's not amusing at all. I'll push her lightly and she acts as if I shoved her, emphasizing it by stumbling a few steps like it was such a big deal! She does stupid shit like that which really makes me want to hit her. For real hit her. So while she bitching about how much her ankle hurts, I'm still walking to put everything in my backpack and recycle-bags to walk back to the bus stop. Yeah I told her to shut up and get over, but that didn't mean she could go on and list all the reasons why she hates and wishes I was back in Oregon.

Well, fuck! I wish I was back in Oregon too!

I got so pissed while I packed everything up, listening her to ramble on about all my flaws and having to hear her insult my intelligence and how simple minded I am...FUCK. I wanted to punch her right there. I almost did, I raised my hand and was going to hit her. God. If only the police station wasn't right there next to the grocery store.

I cried while I stormed up the hill to the bus stop. It's the fastest I've ever walked up that hill, and I was so tired, considering I was carrying over 15 lbs. of food on my back and in my hands. I thought of how impossible it is to change anything about the way I live and the things I eat while living in the goddamn house with these assholes that I don't want anything to do with.

Then I started crying more as I thought about how I'll never has those relationships like other people have with their families. With their parents or siblings. I won't have that. Because even if I change, they won't. And I don't like the way they are. So nothing will be resolved. And it makes me so angry to think that I can't even go to my own fucking family about things like this, that I can't go to them for support.

It's that feeling of being trapped in this cycle that I had all of last year. Like I can't get anywhere or do anything while I'm here. And that feeling sucks, it really sucks.