SUCH a busy week(end)!!!

I'm soooo tired. And I've been tired for well over a week. Only because I've been doing a lot of things since May 15. I think last week has been the busiest week my whole semester. Really.

Friday, May 15
-My friend Roy directed The Devil's Advocate. And because RoyBoy is my homeboy (haha) and since I love the movie, I had to be there and support!
-After the show I went out to dinner with my dance friends.
-For dessert we went to Menchies, which is this self-served yogurt place.

Saturday, May 16
-Regular day with dad. We went to see...Angels & Demons, I think. Yeah. I was glad Tom Hanks' hair was better in this movie, unlike the last one. I think I paid more attention to his horrible hair than the movie itself. :/

Monday, May 18
-Second showing of Mean Girls. Fuj needed to re-tape it so there was another performance. I went up to support my drama friends, and especially Kam who was Aaron Samuels in the show. :P It's so funny how he has fangirls. Haha.
-Tiana and I went to Pearlridge for a little, walked around a bit and got dinner.
-Then we had dessert at Yogurtland. Mmm, Yogurtland. Another self-served yogurt place. Apparently it's the hip thing now, because there's also Orange Tree. I haven't been there yet, but I did send in an application last month...and didn't get hired. Lame.

Tuesday, May 19
-Got up at 6:45 am to get ready to go to the beach. We had to leave early because we were going to Waimea, and that place gets crowded by 9:30, and Tiana had to pick up everyone, and the drive out there is kinda long. Ish. But we got there just in time when it wasn't too crowded and we had our pick of parking.

Wednesday, May 20
-Tiana came over at 4:00 pm to work on the banner we were gonna make for Noelle's birthday on Saturday. I was gonna do graffiti letters and draw this girl holding a boombox. Tiana drew two Converse shoes to put on the banner too. We had dinner, did several practice runs of spray painting the banner, and I think Tiana finally left after 11:00 pm. I wasn't even done with just drawing my picture, let alone coloring it in. Yikes.

Thursday, May 21
-Finished drawing the picture. It took a while. Also, I tried coloring in most of the picture.

Friday, May 22
-Went to Ross to find something to wear to the grad parties this summer. I don't really have "nice casual" clothes to wear to places. So I kinda needed to find something.
-Stopped at Walmart to find paint to use for the border of my drawing.
-Finished coloring the drawing, and worked on the frame. The frame was annoying because I had to tape scratch paper to create the straight lines for the frame.

Saturday, May 23
-Woke up at 5:30 am in the frickin morning!! It was so ridiculous. Last time I did that was in high school. Shit. Tiana picked me up, we got Kaui, got Casey, then drove all the way out to Ewa Beach to get Kameron, THEN headed to Salt Lake to Noelle's apartment. We decorated the back of Tiana's van with streamers, then Aunty Lisa let us in and we sneaked inside to decorate the living room area. When Noelle came out and saw us, she freaked. She just froze there, and said "what are you guys doing here?!" It was classic. We took her to eat at iHop, and that took waaayyyy too long for us to get our food. But there was this waitor that the girls were eyeing up. Haha.
-Went to Pearlridge and killed some time, then dropped Noelle and Kam off at Noelle's apartment. They were going to St. Louis graduation, and we made Noelle believe that that was all we had planned for her birthday.
-The four of us went to switch cars and got Casey's truck, then went to a carwash. We sang to the "Do You Know" song from that Rob and Big episode. Hehe. Then went to Dole to get pineappley treats. Ate lunch at Kono's and had delicious kalua pig. Mmm.
-On our way back we went to Walmart to get window chalk to write stuff on Tiana's van. Came back to my house, which is where Tiana's van was parked and wrote in the van. Then we took off for Blaisdell to St. Louis graduation and had to wait around for Noelle. That took a while.
-Got everyone and went to Genki Sushi for dinner. GOOD TIMES! So much laughter, I'm pretty sure everyone thought we were obnoxious.
-Went to go watch Dance Flick. I thought it was gonna be funnier than it really was, but it was all right. The Twilight ending was fucking hilarious though. I kinda almost fell asleep though. I sat next to Kam, and we were both leaning in on the same arm rest, and I started falling onto his shoulder, and I think I was asleep for...20 minutes at least. I was so tired by then.
-And finally we all departed to go our separate ways. Casey drove me and Kam home, while Kaui got picked up by her overbearing parents, and Tiana and Noelle went to Tiana's house, in hopes of going to the rave. But since Noelle didn't have any ID they couldn't get in. Ah well.

Sunday, May 24
-Got up at 8:00 am so I could go with mom down to Price Busters when she dropped Steven off at work. But mom got the time wrong and Price Busters actually opens at 10, not 9, like how she thought.
-We had breakfast, then went back to Price Busters. I bought floaties to give the graduates.
-When I got home I had to shower and wash my hair because I was so gross from the day before.
-Went to watch Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian with Mika and dad. It was funny, I liked it. But I still think the first one is better, of course. And at least with this movie, you don't necessarily need to see the first movie in order to understand what goes on in the second movie.
-Asked mom to bring the floaties so I could return them. Then we went to Party City so I could find something else to give them. Because carrying more than 10 floaties would not be cool. Instead I found most of them some kind of funky sunglasses thing. Most of them got Sunglasses that had "2009", Drew and Randy (the twins) got ones that lit up. That was cool. I got two giant red cat-eye sunglasses for Nai`a and Brandi. And then I got two boas for Rayann and Sarah.
-Got Baskin Robins. Mmm.
-Went home to eat and get ready.
-Tiana got me at 7:45 pm then we stopped at Walmart so she could get something to give her friends. We also got them Arizona Iced Tea, because they were gonna be so hot and thirsty. Unfortunately I was the one that had to carry them all, along with the 14 lbs. of ice that went in the cooler. Fuck.
-Went to Yogurtland and tailgated in the back of Tiana's van. That was awesome. Also, because we still had stuff written on the windows of her van, everyone kept coming up to us to say happy birthday. That was funny.
-Finally we were on our way to Blaisdell and we had to wait for a while. It was hot. Like a sauna.
-THEN it was a battle trying to find everyone in there. It was ridiculous! But I found everyone except Nai`a, but I'll see her this summer to give her the sunglasses. I also saw a lot of my classmates, that awkwardly avoided me. Whatev, I mean I still said hi to people I didn't really talk to in high school. Because I don't understand why you have to be such dicks to people once you graduate.
-I finally got home a little after 11:00 pm, and I had to take another bath. I was so exhausted.

Unfortunatley this morning I woke up at 9:00 am, and I wish I could sleep in. Damnit. But I had to get up and do laundry because Mika never does it. It's lame. But yeah, I'm still real tired. and it's about 11:30 pm so I honestly should be sleeping. Which is what I'll do once I'm done. But I wanna share some of my favorite pictures from this weekend. I had fun, even though it was tiring.


Pimp banner.

Cruisin at Pearlridge.

Kameron and I are pretty badass.

Waiting for Noelle.

Yep, it says asshole.

Members of the Asshole Club.

Tailgating in her van.

Twins!! I love Drew and Randy!

Megann! Wish I met her earlier than this year!

'Night folks. Peace out.

I'm just a jealous little bitch

I am. Unfortunately.

Especially with everything that's been going on this semester. I get royally annoyed when people say "FML" and shit like that, because they honestly have nothing to bitch about.
-"Stupid people and stupid drama! Ugh, FML!"
-"I fucking hate economics! FML!"
-"I haven't even started on my portfolio yet. God. FML!"
Anything like that is just bullshit. These assholes don't have real problems in their lives. And okay, so most of these people saying FML are stupid teenagers that want everyone to assume that their lives are so stressful and blahblahblah. And they may not even mean it. But it's just like people who say "that's so gay" when they really mean "that's so stupid" or something like that. I honestly can't stand those people.

But moving on...I realized today after reading my friends blog about how she found this cool guy at her school that likes her, and they were hanging out together a lot, then they started making out, and now they're gonna be boyfriend/girlfriend, a little light bulb went off in my head. I am so jealous of so many people. Especially about relationships and boyfriends and all that jazz. Because I've never had one. No guy has ever been interested in me. No guy has ever flirted, hit on, or eyed me up. And when every single one of my girl friends has had a boyfriend or at least had a guy that was interested in her and flirted and shit, it's really discouraging for me. And it makes me a jealous little jackass.

I know that my friends are trying to be my friends and say nice shit like, "Oh, don't worry Zaida. You'll find someone eventually, it just takes time." Or "You totally don't need a guy, Zaida." Even "Well you know what? It's their loss if they don't see how awesome you are and what they're missing out on." But when you've been in my position long enough, all those lines seem like bullshit and you wanna take them and shove them down your friends' neck. :) I'm such a pleasant person, aren't I?

I guess I really do have self-esteem issues. We all do, but I have more than I let myself believe. I suppose I must be really good at acting because I've always come off as such a confident person and all that. That's what my friends say, but I'm pretty good at hiding it. Go me? I guess. I honestly don't like feeling this way, at least about the being jealous thing. Jealous is such a low behavior, really. All my ancestors are probably looking down on me right now and shaking their heads.

BUT I WOULDN'T HAVE THIS PROBLEM IF I WAS A FIERCE, NATIVE GODDESS WITH FLOWING `EHU HAIR DOWN MY BACK WITH BEAUTIFUL BROWN EYES AND A CURVY BUT STRONG FIGURE THAT WOULD HAVE ALL THE GUYS FLOCK TOWARD ME!!!

Yay, gum!!!

I FINALLY have new orgy gum. Ahh. I've been without it for weeeeeks. And that was horrible. Just horrible! But now I can have that special feeling in my mouth, just like old times. Goodie! :)

See, I'm finding the joy in the little things. That's what Ua told me to do, because I've been really down lately. So I'm trying it out, taking the simple things and energizing it with happiness. Hopefully this will make me less I-need-to-stab-people-RIGHT-NOW, you know? Today was my English final so I don't have to worry about that anymore either. Cheee!

I'm also listening to Tegan and Sara, and their songs make me dance in my seat.

I think I'm kinda pathetic. And a major TV junkie. I only say this now because I turned down hanging out with my dance friends today. Tiana asked if I wanted to go with her to the KDC auditions - KDC being my old dance company. And that'd be cool, just to go and watch and everything. Then after she was gonna go to Lotus (this club) with a couple girls from dance that we know. But...
a) I'm not really into clubbing. It's not really my scene. And
b) SEASON FINALE OF BONES, SEASON FINALE OF SUPERNATURAL, AND SEASON FINALE OF CSI: NY IS TONIGHT!! And I can't miss them. I simple can't.

I'm slowly learning the basics of tutting. You know that dance move that you see in hip-hop routines? I don't think I can do the major intricate moves like Jabbawockeez and Kabba Modern do in their routines, but I'm just starting with the basics. Youtube videos are very helpful. :]



I really enjoy this picture. It's funky and retro. And this girl just seems charmingly quirky. I'm also diggin the black and white. Classic. It's a rad photo.

::[e][d][i][t]::

HAPPY BIRTHDAY B-RY!!! miss you Bryan.

9 months

Today is the 9-month anniversary of Sumner's death.

I started writing a memoir for this writing contest today. And I scratched my original idea and started writing about Sumner instead.

Actually, with all the shit that's been happening lately since I've been home, I've thought a lot about Sumner. I mean, a lot. From the simple fact that I miss him, and that it's still strange to think that I only knew him for a few months of my life. Then I start thinking about how last semester would've been different if he was around. If our gang would've still hung out to play Catch Phrase and if we'd go cheer on Sumner at his lacrosse games.

I also started thinking about what people would be like if I died. That sounds weird, but that's what I think about. I wonder what the reactions would be of people if they heard that I passed away. What would they think? How would they grieve? Would they even grieve? Would people attend my funeral? What kinds of stories and memories would I have left with my classmates and friends? I've thought a lot about this.

When my mom and I would get into a bitch fight and I'd end up crying to myself in my room, there was always one picture I looked at. I would hold the picture of our gang after the Anne of a Thousand Days performance. Me, Amelia, Sumner, Tiffany, Kailey, and Bree. I'd hold it and look at Sumner, with his giant smile, pointing at me in the picture. It'd make me cry even more when I did that.

Fuck. I wish so many things were different. I wish life wasn't this hard. I wish that people weren't taken away from me. I wish that I felt wanted, needed, by the people that I want and need the most.

But right now, I wish Sumner was still here. To sing songs in Cartman's voice and to take late-night drives to Little Ceasar's. I wish he was around to make me laugh and smile.

I think I lost love

As shitty as that sounds, I think it's true. Especially with everything that's been going on recently. But to be honest, I lost love in the third grade. I was 8-years-old.

Today is Mother's Day. ...whoo-hoo? I said happy mother's day to my mom this morning. I don't think I meant it though. And she said, "Oh yeah? ...Thanks." Then she walked away.

Coming from a broken home is such a stereotype. It's generic and makes me such a statistic, which I hate. And god, it's such a cop out. I hate blaming the fact that my parents got divorced, my dad was an absent-father while I was growing up, my mom was a violent psychopath, and my grandparents - the only two people I felt safe with - died before I graduated from elementary school. And then dealing with Mika, shutting herself up and not letting anyone in and never being the older sibling I needed didn't help. Neither did my mom, when she'd sneak around, talking with Steven on the phone, excusing herself when we were out at dinner when she'd get a call from him. I fucking hate that bastard. He ruined everything even more.

I'm not sure when the last time I said "I love you" to either one of my parents and really meant it. I don't exactly count September 18, 2008. That was the day that Linfield had Sumner's service at school. I was very emotional that day, so I called both my mom and dad to tell them I "loved" them. I think I did that because of the events of that day. If it was any other day, I sure as hell wouldn't have called them. And Mika? Shit. I was probably like, 6-years-old when I said I loved her last.

See? I can't even say "I love you" to my own fucking family. How fucked up is that?!

And during the past few months when things have been so ridiculously shitty with me and my family, I really needed my friends to be there for me. I needed them there to talk to, but fuck. FUCK. I couldn't even have that! No one had time for me. And that pissed me off so much because i was always, ALWAYS there for them.

I have nothing to use as an outlet for all this going on. I can't focus on work, I have no job. I can't put my energy into school, school is done! There is no script for a show for me to go crazy over and spend every minute memorizing. I can't escape and just take off for the beach to be by myself. I have no one to call to just sit with for a few hours, just to be around that person.

I just really want all of this to stop. I want things to get better. I want to be better.

BETTER.

Melinda Gordon authentically is pissing me off

i watch Ghost Whisperer and i've been watching it since the show first started. i thought it was pretty cool, and i liked that Jennifer Love Hewitt's character was so different from the other teen-movie roles she's had. i liked her vintage-ness.

but now, in the most recent season, and the one before, she's been pissing me off. i've noticed she only has one real emotion that she shows. or at least, JLH just shows one same face over and over again. i think she also has this thing about her - Melinda, not JLH - when she tells people that she has a "gift." i'm getting annoyed with each episode she says that. "i have a gift." ...she should just hand out cards saying that she's a counselor or something because no one ever believes her when she says she can see and talk to ghosts. and when that happens, she always has this self-righteous complex she goes into, having to prove to them that she can in deed see and talk to ghosts.

and the whole Jim-Sam storyline is so retarded. oh, i'm sorry, "mentally challenged." whatev. it's retarded. who the fuck came up with the idea to have Jim (Melinda's husband) DIE, but then have his SPIRIT go into the body of a man named Sam who was just about to die, but came back to life. so the SPIRIT of Jim is now in the BODY of Sam. someone explain to me how that makes sense? and trust me, it doesn't do well in the show. it was so unnecessary.

a lot of shows i used to be big fans of are really disappointing me. EXAMPLE: HEROES.

Heroes used to be a cool show. during FIRST SEASON. after that the writer's started adding in new characters with powers, not finishing past storylines which caused fans to ask, "what happend to so-and-so?" i think that where the show is right now, it has completely gone off track from what it originally was. and it's sad. it really was a fun show in the beginning.

another example: SUPERNATURAL. i fucking love Supernatural. but i have a lot of beefs with this show as well:
-stopped doing the fun "urban legend" episodes like how it was in the first season and instead has gone into angels and demons. (no, not the Dan Brown book)
-angels always piss me off. they're dumb and obnoxious.
-the writers of the show, who are all male, can't seem to write a decent female character without making her a bitch or a slut.
-they turned Sam into a demon-blood-loving-junkie. and he's really annoying now.
-Sam is having this weird, kinky sex relationship with a demon. that just...makes no sense to me.
-i get real irritated with the fans of this show because most of the fans are teenage girls that only watch it for the hot guys on tv. god. damn.

*****

i JUST got a call from Jamika. she and everyone were at Will's for a cast party. for The Shape of Things? which was...how many months ago? haha.

it was cool getting to talk to some people, if it was only a few sentences and whatnot. but still, it was nice. and i got updated on some stuff. *cough-Chris-and-Kristina-what-the-fuck?-cough*

Jamika also went into the house and yelled, "hey! everyone! Zaida's on the phone!" or something along those lines. and then everybody yelled back. truthfully all i heard was "alerjasodifuawejfasldkfalserjwoiejsdnfalskdfwie!!!" but i also made out some "hi Zaida!" here and there. it was funny.

but it was really sad. hearing everyone have a really good time on the other end of the phone. i knew things would go on without me, duh, of course it would. but...i don't know. i wish it didn't.

a part of me wats to be a spoiled little kid and have everything remain the same without me there. i don't want anyone to change. i don't want new things to start and old things to end with me gone.

i want to capture the world i left at Linfield in a jar, with everyone and everything exactly the way they were, the way i remembered them. i want to take that jar, hold it close to my chest and close my eyes as tight as i can...

Just another blog, I guess

It's been almost two months since I last posted anything. Which is ridiculous, considering how many things I have to say...and that I have no one to say it to. So writing it on a blog has been one of my few options these days.

I think that I write on blogs hoping that someone will come across my words and that this person will care enough to respond to me. Offer me a bit of advice. Console me, maybe? ...Something.

My original plan was that this blog would be for my writing. To post story ideas of new chapters I've written for something. But, the more I think about it, I don't see myself continuing with that original plan. I'm too picky, and when I want to share my work with the world - because posting it on the internet IS sharing it with the world - I would want it to be perfect. And my writing is anything but that.

I suppose I can turn this into another xanga. Another livejournal. Another deadjournal. Just another blog I use as an escape to ramble on about the unfortunate circumstances of my life. Yeah, I think I'll do that.