Taking things a day at a time

Saturday, May 29, 2010

No, this house is mine!

Well, my home IS my home, and I don't really feel like sharing it.

Monday, my cousin (who I don't really know) from the Big Island is coming to stay with us. In our house. She's bringing along her one year old daughter (nice, right? And my cousin is only a year younger than I am) and her boyfriend, the baby-daddy.

You have no clue how fucking pissed I was when my mom told us that this morning. Right before I was about to leave to go to the gym, she tells us all this shit. About how plans were messed up and now they have to come stay with us. My cousin and her kid, fine, all right. At least we're technically family, by blood. And although I'm not all that jazzed about having a baby in my house, it's not like my cousin can go anywhere without her kid. But...her boyfriend?! I don't fucking know this jackass. And he is in fact a jackass, from what I've been told about him. He's a straight up punk.

There's a lot that make this situation super shitty:
1. How long are they staying here? Two, three months at the minimum!
2. Where are they staying? The only extra room is currently our storage room.
3. Money? They better get a frickin job to help pay for our electricity and water bills. AND FOOD! Fuck.
4. Do I trust them? No, hell no! Obviously my cousin is too reckless, she got knocked up at 17. And her boyfriend left her, came back, left her again, and is now back with her. He also has a pretty shitty track record when it comes to holding down a job.

And as for my selfish reason, this was gonna be MY summer. The summer where I get my shit together with as little distractions as possible. With the smallest amount of roadblocks in my way. Ergh! I'm just so upset about this. Especially because it's not like we had any notice of it. Our house was the fallback plan. If she couldn't find a place on O`ahu by the end of summer, the END of summer, then my mom opened our house for my cousin and her kid -- not the boyfriend. But it looks like we're getting her early, with an additional jackass to the package.


Needless to say I let all my anger out during the turbo kick class this morning.

Sunday, May 23, 2010


From today's PostSecret:

I think that's Keith Richard's fear, too.

This just reminds me back to the days of Bleacher Bums. Remember, Jamika? With what Tess said about G-Unit?! XP Bree and I almost wet ourselves from laughing about that, haha.

No, my parents and sister know I'm still playing music when they talk to me.

None of my secrets have ever been featured in any of the weekly updates. But, I still feel accomplished having sent in a few, knowing that my secrets are out there, at least.

Song of the day: "Tom Sawyer" by Rush

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

"I will break away, I'll find myself today"

I'm doing better today. Just needed to get over that shit-filled day of yester. No more pitty party. Snacks and punch have been put away. I'm slightly more tolerable to listen to now. :)

Tomorrow I want us to be ambitious when we go to the gym. We'll go early to get on the elliptical machines, then possibly venture into that weight lifting area. Then we're gonna try a Zumba class and see what it's like. After, we might go for a short swim, or cruise swim and not push too hard. Very ambitious, I think, for just our third visit. Yay!

Talk To Me Tuesday
Text from my dad
Sunday, May 16, 2010

"The raven flies at noon...the condor digs for earthworms...I'm in position."

So. This past Sunday we went to a UH baseball game. Mika and I caught the bus and met my dad downtown at the Kamehameha statue, then all three of us would take a bus to UH. This was my dad's way of letting me know that he was waiting at the bus stop for us to get off at. My dad's silly, and a lot of times I just roll my eyes at his weird sayings or dry jokes. But I know I'm going to miss them one day. And especially with my dad just recently having had his heart attack, I'm trying to find a way for me to be able to tell him I love him. I just can't say it. And I'm afraid that I won't get that chance to if I wait too long or let whatever is holding me back from saying it keep doing just that.

Title quote: "Somewhere I Belong" by Linkin Park

I want to get back to my writing. To my daily blog I used to have. It's been since November that I last updated, and that's lame. I've got some good ideas and just the want to put things down on paper...then transfer it to the virtual world. I'll work on that soon.

Started reading Family Portrait by Leo Tolstoy today. I started reading it at work while I was on my break, haha. Which is an odd place to start reading a Tolstoy story, I think. It's very intimidating to try to read anything by him. I gave up reading War and Peace. But maybe one day when I'm all grow'd up, I'll try it again. ;)

Song of the day: "Wall to Wall" by Chris Brown

Monday, May 17, 2010


Twice I cried today.

The first time this morning was when I was watching the most recent episode of The Biggest Loser. This season is the first time I've watched some episodes, and they are pretty inspirational. (And if you've been getting my tweets or read my Tumblr post, I've been into the "inspirational" things as of late.) This week was the makeover week, and just seeing the transformation that these people have made is incredible. I got really emotional when they brought in the contestants family members to surprise them.

I think I started crying for several reasons. One, because it's always a tear jerker to watch when people better themselves in any kind of way, then to have friends and family see them after the change has been made. Two, I was thinking about how my sister and mom will never change the way they live. It's really depressing and it bothers me a lot that they don't care that they don't exercise, let alone just get out of the house on a regular basis. And their diets suck. Mika only snacks, and my mom doesn't even eat; which is probably why she's so big, because her metabolism is practically nonexistent. I'm almost to the point where I can't even feel anything about them and what they're doing. Three, most of the contestants say that they're on the show with the help and support from their family. And that leads me to the second time I cried today...

Mika and Steven were going to go to the grocery store over a week ago, but they'd never gone. Why? Because she sleeps half the day, and they're too lazy to just get up off their asses and go anywhere! So I wanted to go today to get fruits and veggies and whatnot, because I know it won't be bought unless I buy it. So Mika got up to go with me, and I swear...I get so pissed and annoyed with her whenever we go anywhere!

I don't know how to describe it. It's like she's just always so unnecessarily awkward when we go to places. Like if we're at a restaurant, she doesn't look the waitress in the eyes when she orders. That's rude and it fucking pisses me off. Or if I tell her to go to the cereal isle, she'll stand around and look at me like a 5-year-old that doesn't understand the words I'm saying, as if she needs ME to lead her to the fucking isle. Or she'll stand in people's way and not realize it, all the while I'm telling her to move, but she just doesn't pay attention.

After we got out of Foodland, I ACCIDENTALLY pushed the cart when she decided to stop for no reason, so the cart hit her in her back heel. And she practically falls over from that! Mika is so dramatic it's not amusing at all. I'll push her lightly and she acts as if I shoved her, emphasizing it by stumbling a few steps like it was such a big deal! She does stupid shit like that which really makes me want to hit her. For real hit her. So while she bitching about how much her ankle hurts, I'm still walking to put everything in my backpack and recycle-bags to walk back to the bus stop. Yeah I told her to shut up and get over, but that didn't mean she could go on and list all the reasons why she hates and wishes I was back in Oregon.

Well, fuck! I wish I was back in Oregon too!

I got so pissed while I packed everything up, listening her to ramble on about all my flaws and having to hear her insult my intelligence and how simple minded I am...FUCK. I wanted to punch her right there. I almost did, I raised my hand and was going to hit her. God. If only the police station wasn't right there next to the grocery store.

I cried while I stormed up the hill to the bus stop. It's the fastest I've ever walked up that hill, and I was so tired, considering I was carrying over 15 lbs. of food on my back and in my hands. I thought of how impossible it is to change anything about the way I live and the things I eat while living in the goddamn house with these assholes that I don't want anything to do with.

Then I started crying more as I thought about how I'll never has those relationships like other people have with their families. With their parents or siblings. I won't have that. Because even if I change, they won't. And I don't like the way they are. So nothing will be resolved. And it makes me so angry to think that I can't even go to my own fucking family about things like this, that I can't go to them for support.

It's that feeling of being trapped in this cycle that I had all of last year. Like I can't get anywhere or do anything while I'm here. And that feeling sucks, it really sucks.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Better than Bieber!!

I have a great Watch This Wednesday today!!!

Watch This Wednesday
Greyson Chance - "Paparazzi"

Okay. Tell me this kid isn't one of the most awesomest sixth graders you've ever seen! See, you can't do it, can you? Ha!

What I love about this kid is, well...there's actually several reasons.
1. He's got a great voice, that's obvious. He's young, so he can hit that high range that might go away in a few years. But when he does it, I don't know, I get this semi rock-operatic vibe from him. Anyone else think that too? If you guys have ever heard of the Dresden Dolls, he sounds like them. Especially at 2:53ish.
2. He is a beast on that piano! Not only can he sing, but he can totally play that piano like nobody's business.
3. It's obvious he has a real passion for performing and singing. You can tell, he's totally in the zone while doing this.
4. He's young enough that he's not jaded about this entertainment business just being about money and fame.

And what not a lot of people online seem to be noticing, or realizing (because their so fixed on how good of a singer he is) is that this kid REARRANGED the music to this song! I mean, who at this young of an age does that? He took her music and tweaked it to make it his own, and that is frickin rad.

I think this kid has got real talent. Plus, did you guys see that blond girl with the curls to the right in this video? She totally just fell in love with this. I think she found her future baby daddy. XP


Also, I'm trying to get Michael Buckley from the What The Buck Show on YouTube to feature this kid. He needs to be recognized!


Today was Day 1 at 24 Hour Fitness with TC and Misty. A SUCCESS! It went really well. We got started with one of the trainers that showed us around to all the different areas, and then sat us down to fill out all our information.

We originally got a 7-day free pass, but then that got changed into a 30-day pass for $25. All three of us are pretty committed to going to the gym, as far as this summer goes, so he gave us this deal that basically gave us club memberships for a month for that cheap price of $25. It worked out, and I think we're serious about going regularly, or at least I am. :)

I think we're going back tomorrow night after TC gets off work. I'm gonna see how bad I hurt in the morning. :P And also, how the gym is at night. I'm kinda against going at night, just because I know I'm gonna have to go home, shower, then eat, and sleep, so I can get up early for work. That's the only down side. But TC doesn't finish work until after 7 pm anyways, so that's really the only option we have other than our days off. Well, I'll see how it goes.

Song of the day: "Coconut Girl" by Brother Noland

*So, I think that my song of the day is a super good song you guys should check out. It's by this local artist, Brother Noland. I ALMOST was able to go fishing at his house when I took marine biology! But, I had dance so I couldn't go, I was so pissed. But he did come perform for my school when I was in the 8th grade, and that was cool. Anyways, it's a good Hawaiian contemporary/reggae song. It was also featured in the movie, Pineapple Express. :P

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Feeling better :)

Thank you, Chloe and Alessa!!

Your comments did, in fact, help me and made me feel better. I was being really hard on myself, and I guess I just needed a day or so to get over it. I'll still be thinking about it over the summer, no doubt, especially if I ever hang out or talk to my friend Jess who got cast. But, at least for now, I built a bridge and got the fuck over it. :]

And I must really be turning more into a girl, because I started to get all emotional and kinda teary when I read your comments. *rolls eyes at myself* Geez, I kinda did the same thing when I read the comments on my Facebook status, too. I don't usually get good or positive compliments about myself, so it means a lot when I do.

It's kinda like at work. I've only been on the job for 2 weeks now, but I'm working really hard. And thankfully one of my bosses Jeff notices it. He's always saying how much he appreciates how hard I work and the dedication I have to the job. He even slipped me a $10 on Friday! As an "on the side" bonus!! I know it's totally illegal, but fuck, I was pretty stoked. Although I didn't know what to say at the time, and he kinda wouldn't let me not take it. So I had to.

This week I work 4 days, which usually doesn't happen. Usually it's only 3, but I guess they're trying to hire someone as Kawika's replacement since he got a new job. I'm curious as to who I'm working with in the mornings this week. I like working mornings, just because the duties we have to do aren't all that bad. Although if I work with this one chick Alyssa (pronounced like "Eliza" for some reason) again, I'm gonna get super annoyed. She thinks just because she's the shift manager, she can tell whoever she's working with to do everything for her. That's what happened Thursday; she'd tell me, "Oh, Zaida, can you..." or "When you're done, could you..." And that just pissed me off. Eff.

But. At least I'll get more hours this week. :) Always a bonus.

Sing Me A Song Sunday
"I'm In Peace" by Justin Nozuka

I don't know how I found this guy's songs on YouTube, but somehow I came across them. He's a Canadian, but he's part Asian. I think that's why I actually cared to click on his vids and take a listen. :P But he's got a cool sound; his voice was unexpected. You know how you look at someone, and you expect to hear a type/kind of voice to come out? Well, I didn't expect his voice to be the way it is, if that makes sense. It's a nice song, written about the first girl that he was in a serious relationship when he was younger. Great for a montage in a movie, I think. ;)

Song of the day: "On The Wings of Love" by Jeffrey Osborne

Oh yeah, today was Mother's Day. I don't think I told my mom happy mom's day... Hmm. Oh well.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Didn't get it

I'm actually really upset about it. When I got the phone call, I was at work, so Roz left me a voicemail. I was literally so excited and anxious to hear it that I had to sneak into the bathroom to listen to it. But, it wasn't good news so...

Roz was pretty nice about telling me I didn't get cast. She was all positive, saying stuff like, "You should be really proud of your audition!" or "I'd be happy to talk to you about your strengths and what you can improve on." I haven't called her back though. I mean...I'm still really bummed about it.

I'm also a little bitter. Because I told my friend Jess about the audition. She had no clue about it and only decided to go because I was. So OF COURSE she got cast as a lead. Of course.

If I could, I would blame this on my superstitious tradition I have about auditioning. Well, maybe not tradition, because I've only done this a few times, not enough or regularly to be classified as "tradition." Anyways, moving on. I usually don't tell people about things that I'm doing. In this case, the audition. For Iso Peanut I literally told 4 or 5 people about it, and those were friends that were also auditioning with me. I usually never let it be known that I'm doing something, mostly because then if I don't get it or if it doesn't go the way I planned, then I won't have to tell those people the outcome.

But for some bizarre reason, this time around, I made it common knowledge with quite a few people that I was going to audition for Once Upon One Time.

Although, that's just me being superstitious with myself. In actuality my audition just sucked and I wasn't good enough.

Makes me really think if I'm able to be cast by someone other than a teacher. I mean, at Linfield, duh, that was all by professors. I was never there for a guest director, so I only had to deal with Janet and Ty. And in high school, I got cast in Fuj's shows. AND he was the director of Iso Peanut, so...I'm just really second guessing myself. The Once audition was my first audition for a director that I didn't know. So I can't help but think about my ability of being cast when I don't have some kind of previous connection with the director.

ERGH. Self-loathing time is really obnoxious, but very hard to make go away.

Song of the day: "We Belong Together" by Gavin DeGraw

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

`A`ole piano! :( `Ae swag bag! :)

Aloha kākou! Pehea kākou i kēia manawa?

I'm doing all right. Ish. Let's see, since last week Wednesday...

-I worked. It's going pretty well at Cherry on Top and I enjoy being there. A much better environment than at Cookie Corner.
-My dad left the hospital and we got to see him on Saturday. :) Went to see Kick Ass. That was super amusing. I wanna buy it once it comes out.
-Had the closing Iso Peanut potluck down at Magic Island on Sunday. The shitty thing was that it was pouring the entire weekend, but the potluck was still a go! It's really annoying trying to huddle over 20 people under 2 small tents. :/
-Auditioned for Once Upon One Time on Monday. Ugh, that needs a paragraph explanation.

So. I was actually feeling pretty good about the audition. Up until the part when we got to the theatre and we found out that it was a cattle call audition. I absolutely loathe that style of audition, but I couldn't do anything about it. So, fine, I sucked it up. BUT THEN. Roz is the musical director, same MD that was in Iso Peanut, and I've worked with her for 2 high school shows. Since she knows me she asks what song I'm singing and proceeded to pull out the sheet music for that song. NO! I did NOT want to sing to the piano, because it really throws me off. It's worse because you have to sing to those right notes or else you sound bad. A cappella is so way better because you can kinda skim by on the notes and it'll still sound fine. So, I messed up twice, went flat, and hated myself for doing that for the rest of the night and the next day. Today, I'm not beating myself up about it so much. But I'm still mad and scared I blew my chance of getting cast.

I should hear back from them tonight or tomorrow, whether or not they want me. Ahhh, hate the waiting game.

One of my coworkers, Kawika, he's already quitting! Well, let me explain why. He got a full-time job doing some kind of repair gig for hospitals. He's like a handy-man I suppose. Kawika's also my boss's nephew, which is why they aren't too mad about him quitting after only working for 2 weeks. He's also not giving them his 2 weeks notice, so Friday is his last day. Last night was the last time I'd get to work with him. It's a little sad, I was just getting used to his humorous singing style and constant sports-talk.

Kawika's girlfriend (Amanda, which I had to find out for myself because he didn't even introduce me. Loser.) came to see him. She showed up about 9:15 ish, and mind you, we close at 10. So Kawika took his 30 minute dinner break at 9:15, when we were pretty much ready to clean up early and close! I was actually really annoyed. One, who does that? Take their break towards the end of the shift? Two, just because he's my boss's nephew he gets to have his girlfriend come around the shop, AND she gets to sit in the back area with him? Special treatment for family members is really starting to bug me. And let me remind you, there's FOUR employees that are related to my bosses. It's annoying.

If you missed my last post, I advise you check out the videos I posted. Well, I say that mostly because I put up 3 videos of my friends. Here's a link if you need it. CLICK!

Watch This Wednesday

People are getting more creative. I think this video is pretty funny. Your thoughts?

OH! Forgot to mention that I got a stipend for being in Iso Peanut!! I was so shocked, I didn't think we'd get any money for doing the show, since it's community theatre and all. But, it's not like it was a lot. Yet, it's still something. So, that was cool to get. :]

I also got my last check from Cookie Corner. Didn't even make fiddy. :( Whatev. I went home with some swag from Book Off and Ross. I spent it all today on:
-4 movies (Chicago, Pay It Forward, The Tommyknockers, and The Rundown)
-Purple socks! 6 pairs of 'em. :)
-A picture frame
-2 Vintage/retro "Hollywood" ish paintings in frames. Maybe I'll take pictures to show you guys.

I'm stoked more of us are getting on the Tumblr bandwagon. Thanks for being a trend setter, Jamika. ;) You're so cool like that.

Song of the day: No song of the day today because the first thing I listened to was Seth's radio show this afternoon. :P However I did request "Cities On Flame With Rock And Roll" by Blue Oyster Cult. :) AND as a backup, I told Seth to play "Pinball Wizard" by The Who. Guess what? He played that one too! Teehee.